Family trip, reconnecting and seeking closure.

Getting back from a long vacation to the motherland is always good.  When I moved to Canada I was always very conscious and adamant that I would never forget my roots and where I came from and, though I say it always and try to live it, it’s easy to get caught up in the go, go, go mentality.  So, I’m always so grateful to be able to make that trip both financially and getting reasonable amount of time off work to make the long trip worth it.  Grateful and blessed to spend the time the family and friends but the biggest is that I come right back down to earth and ready to take on the next while.

This trip was great as always, yes when eventually got there how can I forget.  Between weather, aircraft issues and some factors unbeknownst to us travelers we arrived to our destination one day late.  In true Fabing fashion we made it a little adventure for mini and of course to help keep everyone sane!  We spent most days with close family and made time for family and friends who reached out, saw some local shows with amazing talent, did some touristy stuff, ate amazing food and of course, lots of beach and sunshine.  Plus, I ended off the 3 weeks with a Zumba class hosted by a cousin.  Oh what fun.  It was an hour long none stop dance party!

Leaving but captured with the people we spent every day with. So much love for this crew!

Most of you know from my IG page that it was also a training vacation – if such a thing doesn’t exist then I just coined it.  Arriving back in TO on Jan 18 I jumped right into training camp for an upcoming tournament – jet lag and all.  This is my “third time lucky” year to participate so, if I wasn’t keeping up on that side I’d be worried coming back for damn sure.  Before arriving in Cape Town I had already finalized a package with a local boxing gym in Cape Town called The Armoury Boxing Club, which I highly recommend.  My package  included 4 private sessions in addition to everything else the gym had to offer and the coach I was paired up with…well, she turned out to be quite the decorated boxer who freely shared all her knowledge and experience with me.  We clicked right away and I definitely learned lots from her + adding in roadwork kept me on point.  So in a nutshell, a great trip, met some new people with lots of cool and exciting experiences along the way.

Coach Sibo after our first session together. We clicked!

To steer from the narrative a little here, there was another deeper and personal meaning to this visit for me.  I’ve written about my late mom in law in another post (a.k.a. Ma Libby) and last time I was in Cape Town she was alive, not well at all but alive.   We did not know the extent of what was happening until we were back in Canada post that trip.  We left in January 2015 and she was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed within two weeks.  Sounds brutal and cruel right?  What was worse is that we all 3 of us couldn’t haul back to Cape Town for the funeral after just being there so my hubby made this trip by himself.  It was tough staying behind and unable to be there with him, his sis (who had just had a baby) and her family but it that was it, we deal and move on right?  Wrong….for me at least.  I spent time after her funeral in a pretty dark place and didn’t even realize how sad I had become within the short weeks that followed and the people I typically opened up to were grieving themselves and they always leaned on me for the strength and so on so I chose not to let it out verbally.

Of course, subconsciously I threw myself into my sport to be surrounded by people fighting to raise funds for a cure for cancer and this helped.  It helped that I wasn’t judged and I could just be.  There were days when I went to train and didn’t even say a word to anyone.  Just came in, worked either on my own, took a class or did some sparring and left.  Nobody really knew what was happening, myself included at times as I’m not the most in-tune-with-your-feelings-kinda-girl.  Getting better but certainly 3 years ago I close to clueless.  When the 2015 fighters started sharing their own stories and their own grief it was my realization only then as to why I was in this constant state of deep sadness.  I didn’t and couldn’t go say goodbye to significant person in my life that I lost.  The constant pain in my chest did not go away overnight but I was reminded that I still had people in my life and to be grateful for the ones still here and I literally told myself to snap the hell out of it.

They are what it’s all about. Cousins – though they call each other brother and sister! Being tourists at a spot called Route 44 in Stellenbosh

Another realization I came to was that even though I knew she was not well and her stubborn nature kept saying “I’m ok Tietie, I’m ok”, we should have probed and pushed more.  That was also mini’s first trip to Cape Town to meet her family since we adopted her and I think I was so caught up in trying to impress mom in law who I loved and respected dearly as a mom so didn’t want to let her down.  I needed to show her that “I got” this, making sure I was checking myself/child so we came across like I had it all under control I just let it be.  Wrapped up in myself I’d say which is a bit out of character for me.  I’ll point out and admit that this was all in my own mind, the expectations I assumed was the case and no……no I’m not blaming myself at all.  I know that there was nothing we could have done to change her prognosis BUT perhaps I could have been there a little bit.  Be present, talk to her, comfort her, text her daily like she did me when we adopted just to say hi and to not be overwhelmed, take it day by day and so on.

So of course, leading up to this trip was prepared for some closure in the more traditional sense i.e. I could go visit the grave and being a visual person, maybe then I could say “ok, I have closure”.  I’ll mention another thing – Ma Libby used to sit in the  TV room at my sis in law’s place when we last saw her.  Sitting with us, just her and Ashley or just her and mini watching kiddie cartoons and shows and for the first few days back on vacation I couldn’t bring myself to set foot in that room in the house.  Crazy.  So we finally go to the grave site and a cool thing I was unaware of was that she was buried on top of her husband.  Yes, one grave site for two.  We roll up.  Walk to the spot, start talking about the site and how we need to maybe wait one more season to put the stone on etc.  Looking at other graves where folks clearly didn’t wait to let the ground settle etc.  Then silence.

 I felt no different.

There was no overwhelming sense of relief or now big shower of tears.  Nothing.  I felt normal, the same.  In my mind I was telling myself “ok, let it go now, it’s ok” – nada.  Trudy, my sis (in law for formality) started talking and us that when mom visited the grave when it was just him she’d talk to him and say “yes, Clive.  You left me, you left me here alone” – and of course I choked up and some tears rolled but it was then I realized – she’s home!  Back with her beloved Clive, together and in one grave and in a better place with no suffering.  No doubt about that!

Family selfie of course! Happiness is…..

To bring it all together for you, from my perspective, closure is a state of mind.  A few days after I was talking to my hubs and shared some of how I felt at the grave site (big steps – sharing of deep feelings here) and I came to the conclusion that it boils down to memories.  I may not have felt any different standing over the grave site but I walked away with the many  many years of memories.  I can never lose or forget that.  Today I still think of her yes.  I get sad but it’s different than almost 3 years ago so no, I don’t get sad anymore, closure is still a question mark and she’ll always be with us.  It’s just up to us individually as to how we deal and interpret our feelings.

It was a good trip.

I am grateful.

Because why not.