Marriage: What’s the tea?

It’s our anniversary and don’t worry, this won’t be sappy mushy post.  Rest assured, the love is still as deep as the mushiest out there.

So it begs the question:  Is there something to be said for being married this long?  Is there a secret or tea to spill? 

December 6, 2020 we’re celebrating 23 years and counting.  We dated for 4 years before that and were friends for about 2 before that.  It’s a long ass time and it’s pretty cool that we’ve been together for more than half our lives.  Grew up together and still growing.

If I think back 23 years it seems like just the other day we were dating BUT if I think of how far we’ve come and what we’ve achieved both individually and as a team it blows my mind.  The “tea” on us is that we had nothing together and made something of our lives together.  Everything in between was a ride I wouldn’t do with anyone else.  Periodt.  On a sidenote and maybe borderline mushy, I’m still amazed at the patience Ashley has and how he’s totally cool dealing with my strong personality and all the crazy that (sometimes) come with it.  I got me a good one and like I always say to Acacia:  “he’s a keeper”!

So, it begs the question, which I’ve been asked time and time again through the years: “What’s your guys’ secret?”  I mentioned here that it’s my personal opinions and experiences that I share on my blog so in my opinion I don’t think there is a secret formula per say.  No two people and no two couples are the same.  Experience has taught me that it (like anything else) is work on both ends. Yeah, yeah, I’ve also heard “well, if it’s work, then it’s not love” blah blah blah….keep complaining kids.  I’ve seen many more similar comments and been in debates that go nowhere.

I remember being with a group of women years ago and the topic of engagement rings came up.  I did not have a big rock, we were poor, literally.  Plus, anyone who really knows me will know that I wouldn’t have and still don’t care for it.  I made a comment like “a ring or the size of it doesn’t make a marriage people”.  At that time we may have been married around 10 years or close.  Well, the horror for me because how dare I lol. I set these ladies OFF and they came for me! “I want that big rock because I’ve been to hell and back with this guy”, “oh he better show up with x carat because I’m worth it”, “I better have something to show off when I tell people I’m engaged” and of course “this is how it is here in Canada Shireen”.  None of what they were saying is or was wrong, it’s just not the way I roll.  I respected their views but damn did they lay in to me lol.  Their ages ranged from late twenties to mid-thirties which at that time was close to my age so I remember being a little taken aback.  The rest of the night I was an outcast but thanks to Ashley, I got to hang out with him while all their guys hung out with each other vs them.  And their point was???

The “work” though in this sense is more about relationship things – compromise, loving unconditionally, speaking your mind, healthy debate, doing things for other just because, being spontaneous, laugh together, cry together, misunderstandings being ok, partnership – I can go on but hopefully you get where I’m going.  You learn as time goes by that the laughs and happy moments are just as important as the ones that challenge and test us and that it’s actually ok.

I also get asked how I knew he was the one.  Funny story, I knew the first time we met but our journey only started a good few years after that initial meeting.  And once that journey started, I became the girlfriend who was always around.  Not in a bad way (lol).  Ashley’s family loved me and me them right away so I liked hanging out with them even when he wasn’t around and I was always welcome.  The love and respect he had for them especially his mom (and his sister) just blew me away so that was an indication as well, and he’s never changed.  He also treats my mom and sisters with that same respect so yes, he was raised right and as another acquaintance once asked “was he trained or did he come like that”.  Yup, read that again if you need to.  Point is, there is some truth to that quote about “watch how he treats his mother or sister”.

We’re not strangers to debates and disagreements.  Our rule very early on though, even before we were married, was never to go to bed angry.  I can count on one hand when we forgot to enforce that, and it leads nowhere positive.  Also, borrowed from another couple, Kate and Ryan – Kate was actually my first opponent in the ring and we’ve been friends ever since.  We fought in the second annual Fight to End Cancer which was an experience of a lifetime benefitting so many.   They pressed “pause” when something was about to go sideways and when we tried it, I think every time we did, we just didn’t come back to it lol.  That is how important some of the “stuff” is lol.

So, is there a secret?  I really don’t think so.  It’s all the things I already mentioned and damn, the feels am I right?  You got to have all the feels!

Still feeling all the feels (old pic – same vibe)