Adoption Day a.k.a. Gotchaday – Thoughts & feelings on family & parenting 8 years later.

November 7^th, 2013 is the day we became a forever family and here’s a piece I posted as a first blog entry a few years ago.  Take a read if you like and please enjoy.

A big day for us in so many ways.  Our family grew as we brought home an 18-month-old baby girl, giving both our parents another grandchild, our siblings became aunts and uncles and their kids got another cousin. As for Ashley and I, we became parents after many years of just the two of us AND we gained another whole extended/blended family here in Canada.  That last one is what we never thought we’d gain when deciding to adopt.

While I have a big extended family back home in Cape Town, South Africa, growing up it was just my mom, my two siblings and I for the most part.  Due to divorce on one side and religious differences on another, it left very little room for big family gatherings on a consistent basis.  There were few here and there and when we were invited it was (in my mind) a big deal.  Many would not have seen us for months or even years so catching up and talking about how much we’d grown was cool to a then impressionable kid I suppose – and maybe  some added attention from aunts, uncles and cousins.  Regardless, I really didn’t know it then or even till way into my adulthood, but I love being around people.  I’m not necessarily a social butterfly but certainly sociable.

My mom’s 70th Birthday earlier this year.

My mom always made sure we had our own beautiful holiday dinners and our own family traditions.  She ALWAYS made us feel extra special on our birthdays and made sure that we could celebrate with friends but also the family members that were around.  So, it wasn’t the lack of attention at home, but I definitely loved going to friend’s who had big and extended families.  So fast forward to when I met and started dating my now husband and got introduced to his never-ending family and extended family members – imagine my delight!

Just at a regular Sunday lunch there would be somewhere between 10 to 20 people coming in and out of the house. My late mother-in-law hosted most of the holidays and culturally it was all about the food and the people.  So much of it and so good!  You didn’t need an official invite.  Like ever.  If you showed up, you had a plate and you ate.  So much talking, eating and never-ending laughter.  It always fed my soul.  As a culture, we’re loud and proud and that may not be for everyone and that is ok!

It was only in my early adult life that I re-united with some of my own extended family and that same feeling of belonging and being part of something bigger was and still is beautiful to me.  Every visit home to Cape Town I meet 2 to 3 family members for the first time and some of my first cousins are already grandparents!  Acacia loves meeting her cousins when we visit and she never has a shortage of anyone to play with.

Short trip down memory lane and I’m smiling at it all.

So of course, 8 years ago we were introduced to Acacia for the first time and while overcome with instant love and all the warm and fuzzies, I saw what a bond she already had with her foster family.  We left that day and even before we got to the car I remember saying to my husband “they are our family too”.  Little did I know what a big, blended family it was, and I loved it.  Holiday’s it’s a full, fun and loud house with food for days and very nostalgic. And the same goes when my mom or I host.  We always make too much food but you give what’s left to whoever wants and the beauty is that Acacia loves it as well and she gets that the connections are important!

My first Mother’s Day and my first 10km finished!

I’ve heard that many who adopt cut ties with the foster family but we’re happy with the decision we made and would do the same if another opportunity presented itself.  We’re richer and fuller for it.  The minute we became parents it wasn’t just what mattered to us anymore and that was the first decision we made with her well-being in mind.  Plus, being raised by strong black women in that first 18 months was fundamental and that influence is apparent every day.  All that to say, every family is different.  There is no parenting handbook, but each family comes with their own set of values when it comes to raising children and that deserves only respect.

And that brings me to nature vs nurture.  A concept I had to experience as a mom to fully grasp the concept.  When we decided to adopt, I always wondered how I/we would do it.  How could I add value to a child’s life, prepare her for the outside world, get an 18-month-old into a new routine, will she eat and will she like the food I made oh and lots more!!  Biggest one for me and it’s no surprise – what if I don’t do it right – and when I expressed some of this to a dear friend she said “all you need is love”.  Best advice and I’ll tell you, she came with her own little personality, a strong sense of what she wanted but her nature was and is still calm, loving and gentle and we fit together as a little family.

That said, those thoughts and insecurities would spin around in my head daily but until she was home with us, I couldn’t answer any of them.  In fact, SHE told us and showed us the answers most of the time even at that young age.  We learnt as we went along and honestly, still learning daily and I remind myself and her of that often.  I tell her that we learn from her as much as we’re teaching her and preparing her for this world, and even though at age 9 she “knows everything” lol, she looks to us for guidance, assurances and approval.

So as we celebrate our special family day this November 7^th, I salute all parents.  It’s not always easy but it’s through the laughs & hugs, the tough conversations, tears from booboos & disappointments or a family pajama and movie day that we love hard and we learn and grow together.

Enjoy, cherish and celebrate all the moments and milestones.  You’ll be glad you did.